Hello, I’m Alecia, author of the MindShift Musings Substack.
Today, I’d like to talk about something we all have but sometimes forget to maintain - our emotional bank accounts. These invisible accounts represent the trust, respect, and goodwill we seed and nurture in our relationships.
Much like our financial accounts, they depend on consistent deposits and less withdrawals to stay healthy and connected. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that strong relationships are built one intentional deposit at a time.
First, let’s acknowledge how complex our relationships have gotten in our modern world. We’ve become much more conscious of who believes what and why due to the digital world that has evolved around us.
There are many things that can pull at the fabric of our connections with one another.
This can sometimes create space between us due to the differences in our beliefs or even from the lack of time invested in our connection with one another.
Some relationships have worn down to a thin veneer due to communication issues, personal differences, or a lack of presence or respect, as well as other issues. Those that have worn a bit thin out of misalignment require a bit more thought and care if we wish to keep them going because they’re important to us.
Let’s stop for a moment to consider bank accounts. To open a bank account, we have to make a deposit. Deposits build up the balance so we have reserves that can withstand withdrawals from time to time.
We have to make more deposits than withdrawals if we want the account to stay open.
We also have account balances which represent the amount of money that remains after all of the deposits and withdrawals have been balanced against each other. The balance is what’s left over.
Relationships can be likened to emotional bank accounts which work in the same way. New relationships often require trust as their first deposit.
Relationship deposits can be considered anything positive and edifying that builds trust, safety, or connection. Each time we do something that brings positivity like keeping a promise, telling someone the truth, or listening with presence, we make another deposit that earns and builds emotional interest over time.
Anything that brings about doubt, fear or disconnection like being disrespectful, judgmental or critical, not telling the truth, or ignoring previously stated boundaries serves as a withdrawal which brings down the account balance.
These particular qualities can take a toll on relationships over time if not counterbalanced with additional deposits. If withdrawals are made too frequently they can drain the built up goodwill between individuals.
Small things compound over time, both the give and the take. Tiny moments of kindness, appreciation, or attention build up a balance over time, just as small dismissals, disrespect, or avoidances slowly drain it.
If we haven’t made enough deposits in our relationships, the withdrawals can be too heavy to bear on an empty account causing it to be overdrawn.
Under such circumstances, the other person may not be able to clearly hear us because there just isn’t enough trust or connection built up between us to cover the weight of what we’re taking out. There’s an imbalance of energies there which is running interference with us being able to be in the relationship together more confidently.
This can build unspoken resentment which often unconsciously drains the emotional bank accounts of each party.
So how do we fix this? By becoming more aware of each other’s needs by communicating what’s not working and how we might better meet each others needs to keep those account balances a little higher.
As they say, we’ve all been villains in someone else’s story and it’s up to us to do the inner work to set things straight. Sometimes we’re named villains by not being forthright and accountable for our missteps while asking for forgiveness.
And sometimes it might be because they make a choice not to offer us grace while continuing to misread our intentions through their lens of pain and disappointment.
Under those circumstances, we just have to hold space leaving that at their feet to contemplate if we know that we’ve done our due diligence in showing up with a good heart trying to make amends.
Sometimes it just takes time.
So here’s something to reflect on:
In our relationships, are we making enough deposits to balance out the withdrawals? Have we been showing up to make deposits with presence, empathy, time, and being there for someone else?
And the inverse question would be, are they making enough deposits to balance out their withdrawals? Have they been showing up to make the kinds of deposits that make a difference to us?
If the answer is no and there just haven’t been enough deposits, this often has a tendency to build up resentment which puts a drain on the relationship, instead of goodwill which edifies it. The lack of goodwill, understanding, and presence is often a reason why relationships don’t go the way we want them to, which can then cause us to misread what the other is saying.
Situations such as this can signal that we may need to put some boundaries in place to claim our space so we can get our needs met to stay more balanced and peaceful.
It’s not always about the big issues we experience together. Sometimes it’s a build up of many small things one way or the other which affects the harmony between us.
Sometimes, one of the parties hasn’t shown up enough to create the kind of relationship we’d hope for. It’s important for us to be cognizant of such circumstances to begin some self-excavation to see what’s ours to be accountable for and what’s to be laid at the feet of another as their responsibility to step into.
There aren’t necessarily rights or wrongs here, those are value judgments that we each have to discern for ourselves. Sometimes we simply don’t have the time and energy to step further in, but we can still try our best to communicate in ways that are as authentic and balanced as possible.
At other times, we may have ample time and energy, but as we check in with ourselves, we realize that the timing just doesn’t feel right at the time to step further in…and so we consciously wait for discernment as a prompt do so at a later date.
And then there’s the other emotional bank account that we often don’t even think about - the relationships with ourselves.
How often are we making deposits for ourselves to keep our balances high enough to remain balanced and peaceful instead of running on fumes?
These same concepts also apply within us. When we’re constantly making withdrawals like pushing through our exhaustion, ignoring our needs, silencing our truth or not properly tending to ourselves with presence and attention, we eventually go bankrupt internally leaving our cups empty and dry with nothing to pour from. Our self-trust and self-confidence can fade over time in the same way any other relationship does when not properly attended to.
In every relationship what it ultimately comes down to is whether we’ve invested enough to sustain it. It’s not about keeping a balance sheet. It’s about staying aware of our thoughts, feelings, and the dynamics between ourselves and others.
Even if we haven’t given the relationship what it needs up to this point, we can easily begin again with small, thoughtful gestures that raise the balance of the relationship so it can thrive.
We can do so by reaching out with a text, a thank you, or a small moment of honesty reestablishing the connection in ways that say I see you, I value what we have, and I want to stay connected. It can even happen by finally having that difficult conversation to try to repair that which has been creating space between us.
Ultimately, it’s about making sure that our relationships have cushions of reserves that help them remain open and stable with smooth, easy energy so they can withstand the withdrawals that we all make from time to time.
So…maybe today is a good day to think about making a small deposit somewhere - to ourselves or to others. Offer something nourishing and authentically real to acknowledge or thank someone who means something to us. Give a compliment that edifies and makes someone feel good, or go the extra mile with a small gesture that begins to tighten the weave of the relationship again.
If our relationship with ourselves is lacking, we can do something for ourselves that makes us feel good - something that raises the energy in our bodies. This can be having lunch with someone we love, treating ourselves to a massage, or sitting down to read that book we’ve been meaning to read.
Because the relationships that last, the ones that truly sustain us, aren’t built on grand gestures or constant harmony. They’re built on steady deposits of care, of truth, of good communication and of presence and kindness…over and over again.
Baby steps can go a long way to attending to our relationships in more conscious ways.
Thank you for taking the time to listen.
If there is personal resonance with this piece, I invite you to join me for more musings at MindShift Musings.
Keep radiating
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